Loss of a partner – a devastating life change
Coping with the loss of your spouse or partner is undoubtedly one of the hardest losses to bear and brings so many additional changes that we need to adapt to. These are known as secondary losses.
It’s not just the emotional pain you have to cope with. Following the death of a partner, there are a lot of decisions to be made from the moment they have died. Some are small and some are big, but all are now the sole responsibility of the remaining spouse. This can feel scary when you’re used to relying on your combined experience, ideas and insights. Facing major decisions without anyone to lean on can feel daunting and destabilizing, especially at first when you can very much feel as if you’ve been thrown into the deep end with no lifebuoy in sight.
The practical challenges of being newly alone can feel endless. Partners invariably share tasks – one may do the cooking and shopping, the other takes out the bins and looks after all the technology. Suddenly, the remaining partner is responsible for every task, as well as for the finances, which may have previously been shared. This can add another very significant layer of stress to an already very stressful time.
It’s a couples world
We generally don’t even notice how much of a couple’s world it is until we’re no longer part of it, especially when it comes to going out to dinner or on holiday, for instance. Widows and widowers report that friends in couples hesitate to invite them to anything. Perhaps they’re worried that, as a single person, you will now feel out of place, which might be awkward for all concerned. The plans you might have had for your future together can no longer be realized and that can instil a sense of very deep sadness. Most marriages or partnerships (whether good or bad) operate and function as two people joining their lives together.
So after the loss of a partner, the one who is left feels somewhat incomplete. There is an intrinsic need in most of us to have someone with whom we can share our deepest thoughts and feelings, and it is usually our partner who fulfils that need. In addition, it will also be the everyday mundane things that will be greatly missed, such as little in-jokes, eating a meal together or watching TV.
Loss of identity
Loss of identity is often an issue I observe with a widow/widower or anyone who has lost their partner. Because a partner often fulfils multiple roles, such as best friend, lover, peer, co-parent, confidant, someone with whom to share chores and financial decisions, the loss can feel colossal. It can feel overwhelmingly lonely, especially after a long marriage. Your status as a widow or widower has changed against your will, and you find yourself classed as both ‘unmarried’ and ‘single’. Humans appear programmed to be in couples so, as grief expert David Kessler says, losing your partner can feel like being half a pair of scissors.
Loss of stability
Widows and widowers report feeling a loss of stability. Their partner may have provided a feeling of safety and security that they took for granted when they were still alive. Feeling safe, stable and secure are seen as essential components for good mental health.
Loss of financial security
If you lose a partner whose income was essential, this can put your grief on hold while practicalities are addressed and can add to anxiety and a lack of feeling safe. This can precipitate anger at your loved one for leaving you to deal with this additional worry. A reduced household income may necessitate a return to work before you feel ready. It may also precipitate a change in lifestyle in order to accommodate new financial circumstances. In some cases, it can even mean selling the home. To experience these unwanted changes in addition to the pain of the enormous loss itself feels grossly unfair. This can then greatly exacerbate your stress, impacting their grief further.
Would you like some grief support?
Coping with the loss of your partner is hard and grief can be an isolating experience. If you’ve lost your spouse or partner, I can listen with compassion and help you to navigate through your grief, providing practical guidance and resources that may ease your path. If you’re experiencing physical symptoms due to your grief, than I can help with nutritional medicine too. You can read more about the grief support I offer here
I have now worked with hundreds of grieving people, combining my professional skills with my personal experience of multiple significant losses to give you the support that I wish I was offered, but was unable to find. Would you like to find out more? You can read about the sessions I offer here
Or contact me for further information: vanessa@wellbeingandnutrition.co.uk
This blog post is based on content from my book: Supporting Your Grieving Client: A guide for wellness practitioners