Why the 5 Stages of Grief can be misleading: Grief models are supposed to help us understand the process of grief. There are many of them, including the most well-known of all, the 5 Stages of Grief. This wasn’t even written by Elizabeth Kubler Ross for grievers, it was written as a guide for the dying but somehow it was then adapted as a road map for grief and reduced to five steps: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. I personally don’t think many of the grief models, invented by academics and psychologists many decades ago, are much help to those grieving major losses today. They’re usually written like tasks you must achieve to ‘complete grief’.
Here are my two favourite grief models – the only ones I feel offer relatable, realistic and hopeful guidance that is applicable for those of us dealing with the most difficult losses.
Tonkin’s Model of Grief
This ‘growing around grief’ model was created by grief counsellor Lois Tonkin after a bereaved mother told her that, to begin with, grief filled every part of her life and was all-consuming. She had assumed that, as time went by, the grief would shrink and become a much smaller part of her life. But, in fact, the grief stayed just as big, but her life grew around it. There were times where she felt the grief as intensely as when her child first died, but then, eventually, there were other times when she felt she lived her life in the space outside the circle of her grief. Over time, we can learn to accept that our grief will remain with us, while living our lives to the best of our ability.
The Continuing Bonds Theory
The idea that we should ‘let go’, ‘move on’ or ‘find closure’ is an outdated and a psychologically damaging approach to grief. The continuing bonds theory is about finding ways to gradually redefine your relationship with the person you have lost, continuing your bond with them throughout your life and finding different ways to connect with them. This doesn’t necessarily have to mean spiritually, although for some it will. For generations, there was an expectation for bereaved people to stoically ‘get over’ their loss, no longer talk about it and to hide their feelings away. Most grievers in the past did what was expected of them, giving the impression of having overcome their grief. This may have been far from the truth.
Death ends a life, not a relationship
The continuing bonds theory is about normalising the attachment we continue to feel. As Mitch Albom puts it: ‘Death ends a life, not a relationship.’ And rather than encouraging someone to remain stuck in their grief, as might be assumed, the opposite is usually the case. There is a certain liberation in knowing you are free to love your person/people forever.
Healing the emotional impact of grief
I think that healing the emotional impact of traumatic grief is about living despite the pain of loss, not with the end goal of somehow mastering it, as some of the old school grief models seem to imply is necessary. The author Tom Zuba (who lost two children and his wife) says healing after loss isn’t a destination but rather an ongoing process. I agree. I try not to put pressure on myself or be influenced by others perception of a grief they can’t possibly understand. Instead, I just allow myself to heal as best I can under very difficult circumstances.
So, in my view, the 5 stages of grief can be quite misleading. Grief isn’t linear and it really can’t be reduced to 5 steps.
(The above is an excerpt from my new book: ‘When Grief Takes Everything: A Survival Guide to Devastating Loss’ which will be available from Amazon next month.)
Would you like support for your grief?
If you’d like some one to one grief support, then please get in touch. You can contact me vanessa@wellbeingandnutrition.co.uk
To read about how I can support you in your grief, please see: