A holistic approach to grief is not typically found with traditional bereavement support. If you’re currently struggling with both emotional and physical symptoms associated with grief, then it makes more sense to view grief holistically. Below is an example of someone who benefited from this approach.
Reasons for seeking help: grief, insomnia, fatigue, anxiety
Sarah contacted me just five weeks after her 17-year-old daughter died suddenly from an undiagnosed heart condition. As a newly bereaved mother, Sarah was understandably overwhelmed with grief. As a single mother, she was also shouldering the additional responsibility for how her 15-year-old son was coping with the loss of his sister. Sarah had seen her GP who offered antidepressants, which she was reluctant to take. Devastated by her loss, she felt alone and unsupported.
Assessment at the first consultation: numb with shock
Understandably, Sarah appeared to still be numb with shock. She appeared to have many symptoms that suggested PTSD, although this had not been formally diagnosed. Immediately after her daughter’s death, she didn’t sleep for three days. She was unable to eat, felt nauseous and couldn’t stop shaking. When I first met her, she was still experiencing many of these symptoms, together with flashbacks. She was also still very much on ‘high alert’.
I reassured her that that this is a normal response to extreme shock. I explained that during trauma the nervous system goes into overdrive and that stress hormones are released. This is part of the fight-or-flight response because the body thinks it’s in danger. I explained that shock is fundamentally a protective mechanism, preventing you from having to deal with the full impact of the trauma.
Addressing bodily symptoms can give grieving people a glimmer of hope that it might be possible to feel better than they currently do, at least physically. Of course, the bigger issue is inevitably the heavy weight of emotional pain, but working on the physical issues provides a tangible focus that can be very helpful. After reassuring Sarah that I had some ideas for calming the physical manifestations of her traumatic loss, we spent the remainder of the first session talking about the emotional impact of her devastating loss.
Practical advice and and easy meals
Sarah had lost half a stone within a week of losing her child as she couldn’t stomach much food. She was now eating again but was still skipping meals and relying on takeaways and meals left for her by her neighbour. This relieved her for now of the responsibility of shopping or cooking. Sarah barely left the house at this stage, so we discussed shopping online which meant she didn’t need to face braving the supermarket and possibly bumping into people she knew, until she felt more ready. I discussed meals with her that wouldn’t take too much of her energy at a time when she felt totally exhausted by grief.
Grief is highly stressful
I explained the importance of blood sugar balance in her current state and suggested making meals as nutrient-dense as she could possibly manage. Stress uses up nutrients and grief is, inevitably, highly stressful. I suggested a specific supplement to calm the nervous system and help with sleep, together with a probiotic, as serotonin (which is manufactured in the gut) can be depleted during the grieving process.
I also added in a supplement that I have used with many clients over the years who experience low mood or depression, and Sarah was keen to try this instead of the antidepressants her GP had prescribed. In addition, I suggested breathing techniques, particularly before sleep when she got the flashbacks. We did these together during the consultation which helped the likelihood of them being implemented at home.
Follow-up sessions: the space to talk and tell your story
Sarah managed to implement some of the suggested changes to her diet, having started to make simple balanced meals for herself and her son. Her appetite was gradually improving, which helped. She was taking her supplements and she reported sleeping a little better and feeling less fatigued. She agreed that being proactive about your physical health gives you back a little control over your life at a time when you feel you no longer have any.
However, these positive steps that Sarah had done so well to accomplish could in no way compensate for the raw pain of her loss. During the second session, Sarah cried non-stop. It felt important to give her the space to just talk and tell her story without directing her in any way. At the end of the session, I suggested journaling as a way to express and release some of her pain. I also recommended some books about grief.
In subsequent sessions, Sarah reported that the insomnia and fatigue were better than they were, but still there, and although she reported feeling less anxious in some ways, she still sometimes felt on ‘high alert’. I explained that some symptoms would take time to resolve. This was only to be expected after all she had been/was going through.
Grief manifests in ways you never think of until you go through it yourself
Sarah mentioned that she sometimes felt as if she couldn’t breathe and that she would catch her breath. This had only happened since her daughter’s death. I explained that although she must see her GP if this remained a cause for concern, this might be because, in Traditional Chinese Medicine, the lungs are believed to be associated with grief. Symptoms of lung imbalance are thought to include shortness of breath and shallow breathing, depression and excessive crying. She said this made sense. We agreed that grief manifests in ways you never think of until you go through it yourself. I explained that when you’re emotionally broken-hearted, your heart can physically be affected, too. We discussed how child loss sometimes feels as if it will be impossible to survive because the pain is just so monumental.
Practical issues after a loss
I recommended online grief yoga which Sarah reported noticeably helped calm her anxiety. She was also finding journaling helpful as a way of processing her pain. In a later session, we talked about the unforeseen practical issues that present themselves after a loss, such as someone’s social media presence and accessing their phone – dilemmas no mother ever considers they will have to address.
Sarah also had huge anxiety over her daughter’s possessions, feeling it would be impossible to get rid of anything that she had ever held or worn. I told her that there was no pressure to sort through anything until she felt ready. Sarah said she felt she might never be ready, and I reassured her that if that was the case, then that was completely fine – and to ignore well meaning advice from anyone who hadn’t actually lost a child.
Continuing bonds can help us cope better
I talked to Sarah about the continuing bonds theory and how remaining connected to loved ones can help the bereaved to better cope with loss and the subsequent changes to their lives. I asked Sarah to consider ways she might like to honour her daughter. We discussed various ideas, such as a memorial bench, planting a rose bush, raising money for charity in her daughter’s name, etc. I suggested involving her son, asking him what he would like to do to honour his sister, as this might aid his healing process, too.
In further sessions, we began to talk a little about spirituality and post traumatic growth. Post-traumatic growth can, if we are able to allow it to, show us that pain can shift our perception of life and that there are several ways you can grow after a tragedy. These can include:
- discovering a new purpose in life
- helping others who have experienced a similar tragedy
- becoming more compassionate
- a deepening spirituality
- discovering an inner strength you perhaps didn’t know you had
- developing stronger relationships
Carry them with you
While acknowledging that there are some losses you will never recover from, you can try to move forward into the future in the best way that you can, while carrying your loved one with you in your heart. Sarah liked this concept and impressed me with her ability to maintain hope for growth, healing and purpose as she lives on without her eldest child.
Although Sarah will never get over the tragic loss of her child, she is doing as well as she can under the circumstances. She is undoubtedly still processing her trauma and this takes time. As with most bereaved parents, the grief remains intense and casts an inevitably long shadow. Life can never be the same again. However, focusing on her son’s welfare has kept her going, as does her ongoing bond and spiritual connection with her daughter. Regular exercise and continuing with the healthy lifestyle she established during our early sessions also helps. Last but not least, Sarah has found a sense of purpose by fundraising for a charity for cardiac risk in young people.
This is an excerpt from my book ‘Supporting Your Grieving Client’
My holistic approach to grief has helped many grievers cope better with their loss
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Vanessa May is a Holistic Grief Coach and Certified Grief Educator. She is also a BANT registered Nutritional Therapist and ILM Accredited Wellbeing Coach and has helped hundreds of clients with her holistic approach to health, wellbeing and bereavement. She specialises in stress, fatigue, low mood, anxiety, hormonal imbalance and grief.