How to cope with grief at Christmas is undoubtedly a challenging topic. Because sadly for some people, this is definitely not “the most wonderful time of the year”. Whilst everyone around celebrates and obsesses over the preparations, those who are grieving can feel additional pain and a greater sense of isolation. The build up to Christmas can feel relentless, heightening emotions that are already immensely difficult. Add to that being unfortunate enough to also have an anniversary of the death of a loved one at this time and you potentially have a recipe for feeling completely overwhelmed.
In early grief we wonder how on earth we will survive the festivities. Bombardment from media and incessant talk of family get togethers when we have lost a precious member of our own family can intensify our heartbreak. Christmas can never be the same again when there is someone important missing from our Christmas table. We may simply not have it in us to decorate a tree, send cards and presents. We may be reluctant to attend celebratory gatherings where festive cheer can feel like rubbing salt into our wounds. And just as we may let out a sigh of relief that we’ve somehow survived Christmas, we then have New Year to get through.
Whilst we may come to accept our loss eventually, for many, grief doesn’t ever go away and the longing for our loved ones may always intensify at such an emotionally charged time of year. Often the expectation to be joyful may leave us feeling we should somehow be doing better.
Ways to cope with grief at Christmas
Do what’s right for you
Let go of people-pleasing. Don’t allow others to dictate how you should get through this extremely difficult time of year. You don’t have to go to parties or celebrations with friends/extended family if you can’t cope with them. If you don’t want to do something, then don’t. You need to put your own emotional wellbeing first – only you know how this feels and what’s best for you. If you have children then obviously you will need to consider their needs too but, where possible, avoid doing anything that might make you feel worse than you already do. For children, the normality of Christmas celebrations will still be important and watching them enjoy themselves may be comforting, albeit perhaps painful.
Honour your loved one
This can range from hanging a tree decoration inscribed with their initial or a lighting a candle with their name on, to taking flowers to their grave, going for a walk somewhere they loved or filling a trolley with their favourite food and then donating it to the homeless. Some like to lay a place at the table for them and include their favourite food in the Christmas lunch.
Include them in the day
What all grievers dread is not having their loved one’s name mentioned. Often people feel that mentioning them may upset you, but in fact the opposite is much more likely to be true. You might like to ask someone to make a toast to them or, if not, do so yourself. Talking about them unashamedly may ‘give permission’ for others to do so. You may argue you shouldn’t need to be the first to mention them but unfortunately we live in a grief-averse society. Say their name.
Accept that we all grieve differently
There is no right or wrong way to grieve but sometimes we end up judging family members who are grieving differently – and at no time is this made more obvious than at Christmas. Try to be sensitive to others’ needs and accept that, whilst some may feel unable to control their tears, others may appear to act like nothing has happened. Take a deep breath or get outside for some fresh air if you find yourself upset by someone who is grieving differently to you.
Try to maintain a routine
For most people, routines change during the Christmas period. Whilst that can often be nice under normal circumstances, those who are grieving may find that the way in which much of the world stops for Christmas and New Year isn’t necessarily helpful. Try to maintain regular sleeping and eating patterns if you can and get out for walks when possible. Being out in nature can be a big help during this time. It can be very tempting to eat and drink to help numb the pain but unfortunately, as most of us know, this will only make us feel worse in the long run.
Be selective about what you watch
Films or TV programmes which feature happy family Christmases may not be the best choice for you. Ditto a lot of posts on your social media feed. If you can, choose a series or film to immerse yourself in which does not involve Christmas or carefree families, come off social media for a bit and use the mute button on all those Christmas TV adverts. Alternatively, curl up with a good book that has a subject matter that won’t be triggering and which will, for a while, serve as a distraction from your grief.
Have supportive people around if possible
Let close friends or family know if you’re struggling and need to talk about how you’re missing the person who has died. If you can, get out for a walk with a friend who will allow you to talk about how you’re currently feeling and who will be tactful about their own family Christmas. Alternatively, if you know anyone else in a similar situation to your own, then this can provide you both with a way of voicing how you feel to someone who knows only too well what you’re going through.
Don’t commit – see how you feel on the day
Grief is not linear and often we can’t predict how we’re going to feel from one day to the next. If an event is happening, be honest and tell people you’ll decide on the day and will come if you feel up to it, but that may not be able to. If you do decide to attend something, don’t feel you need to stay for long – it’s okay to leave when you need to. A good motto is: does it help or does it hinder? If it hinders, then leave.
Names left off Christmas cards
It seems many simply don’t realise how hurtful it is to see your loved ones name no longer included. Fortunately, the sending of Christmas cards is far less common than it used to be but if you send them you can set the precedent for how others may address your family in theirs by signing: “Love from x and x and always remembering x” Alternatively, add their name as usual but surround it with a heart.
Helping others
Helping others can sometimes help us too. If you don’t have family or don’t spend Christmas with them (through choice or circumstances), then helping the homeless or the elderly might be an option. However, only if you have the inclination to do so – it’s important not to put any additional pressure on yourself. The expression of kindness and compassion includes kindness and compassion to ourselves too.
Do something completely different
Going away is an option to consider but bear in mind it depends where you go as the jollity of strangers can possibly make things worse and you may be without your normal support system.
Feeling sad at what’s perceived to be “the most wonderful time of the year”
Of course you feel sad – why wouldn’t you? Christmas is a prime time for feeling additional yearning for the person you’ve lost. Have a good cry if you need to – purging all the pain is healthy and our way of healing. However, if you feel you really aren’t coping and worry about hurting yourself, please reach out to someone who cares about you or to the Samaritans. The Christmas holidays may always be difficult but we can hope that, in time, the pain will soften so that we remember our loved one with more love than pain. Meanwhile, I hope this post has offered a few realistic ways you might be able to cope with grief at Christmas.
If you’d like some one to one grief support in 2026, then please get in touch. You can contact me vanessa@wellbeingandnutrition.co.uk
To read about how I can support you in your grief, please see: