My own experience of trying to find support for child loss
Finding support after the devastating loss of a child isn’t always easy. Soon after my son died, I decided to look for bereavement counselling. Grief was not something I had much personal experience of. I had certainly not had a significant loss before and here I was starting with the biggest one of all. I knew I was very traumatised and, although I was using the tools I had as a nutritional therapist to work on the physical manifestations of shock and trauma, there was the colossal emotional fallout from a sudden, out-of-order death to deal with. My feeling was that I needed someone to guide me, someone who knew more than I did about what I was going through, and what was to come. Unfortunately, I struggled to find the help I needed – which is why I now help others in a similar situation.
What to look for when seeking support for the loss of a child
Everybody needs different things when they are going through every parents worst nightmare. Always be guided by your heart and gut instinct when looking for someone to help you through what will undoubtedly be the worst time of your life.
When looking for a therapist or counsellor, be mindful of any who talk in terms of ‘recovery’, grief being a problem to be solved, or who adhere strictly to the concept of the linear Five Stages of Grief. Ask if they have substantial experience of your kind of grief, i.e., child loss, and of trauma, if applicable. This is very important in my view. You don’t want to work with someone who you sense is out of their depth, or is going to approach it like any other type of loss. Not being able to find any of the above can increase your sense of isolation and the feeling that no one really understands what you’re going through.
I personally needed an interactive, guided approach. I also wanted someone who could offer wise counsel and who I felt truly ‘got’ my experience of losing a child. A big ask perhaps. But any type of bereavement support must serve you. There needs to be rapport and trust. If this isn’t there then don’t be afraid to move on and look at other therapists/therapies that might be more appropriate for you, conventional or otherwise. Always check their training and experience, and read their reviews. All therapists and practitioners are going to be influenced by their own set of beliefs. These will often shaped by their own experiences, and this will inevitably inform how they work. This may or may not align with your own values and beliefs.
Other ways of supporting your grief after the loss of a child
Reading books about loss in early grief helped me to understand my life-changing and deeply traumatic experience. So I will often recommend books to bereaved parents. Seeing your story reflected in those of others can bring some comfort and allow you to feel less isolated in your grief. I’ve also written my own book about my personal story with practical advice based on both my personal and professional experience: Love Untethered: How to live when your child dies Many people who read my book then come to me for grief support.
I also recommend The Compassionate Friends an organisation for bereaved parents and their families. They have a helpline, a bookshop and library (they have ‘Love Untethered’ in both). They run retreats and there are local groups all around the country, indeed all over the world, where you can meet other parents going through what you’re going through. This can all be invaluable in the early days.
How I support bereaved parents
This is not like any other loss. So I believe there needs to be a specific approach for bereaved parents and their families and and this has led me to offer my own form of grief support, where I use my experience as a grief educator, wellbeing coach and nutritional therapist to work holistically, as well as empathetically. I draw on my own personal experience as a bereaved mother to offer gentle, compassionate guidance through the process I understand only too well. After all, in the end, only another bereaved parent can really know what this actually feels like.
I am so sorry if you’re reading this post because you’ve lost your precious child – my heart truly goes out to you. If you’d like to know more about the child loss support I offer, please get in touch You can also read more about holistic grief support here
If you’d like to know more about my books, please visit my author website